Bielsko Biala!

If you're in Bielsko-Biala and you see this statue next to this fountain, you've crossed into what used to be Biala! Keep going east to find Vagina.

Here's the thing you need to know about Bielsko Biala. It was actually two towns for a reason. That reason would be the river called Biala that used to separate the town of Bielsko from the town of Biala and that still separates the western half of Bielsko Biala from the eastern half of Bielsko Biala, which is to say, not much has changed. The river Biala is by no means the Danube or the Hudson. It's a small and shallow mountain river. That said, it still needs to be crossed. There are only about 12 roads that cross the river within the city limits of Bielsko Biala. That's not counting the new freeway, which I probably should count, thereby making it a baker's dozen. I know 12 sounds like a lot. Here's the other thing you need to know. Bielsko Biala is like a bunch of bagels. Here's what I mean. Once you find yourself on one bagel, it's very hard to smear yourself off.

The nieghborhoods are like gigantic hedge mazes with the exception that instead of hedges you're usually faced with colorful apartment blocks. There's one way in and one way out. What you think will be a shortcut triples your mileage as you try to remember how you got into this mess. Now getting back to the river. If you don't cross the river in just the right place, you might quadruple your mileage. It turns out what you thought might be an easy left turn actually doesn't exist because the white arrow on the blue background is telling you very imperiously that you can only turn right for no apparently reason.

Between the river and the concrete jungle bagels and the no left turn anywhere but here, driving in Bielsko Biala sometimes feels like driving in a tiny New York. Another reason why Bielsko Biala is probably the greatest city in the world. What other European town feels like a miniature Vienna and a miniature New York at the same time? Not even Las Vegas can do it. And Bielsko Biala has its fair share of gambling parlors by the way. All of them 24-7 with I imagine nobody to remind you  that if you have a gambling problem there's nobody you can call to talk about it. Even if you could call somebody you probably wouldn't be able to afford the charge. Mobile phone rates in Poland are scandalous.

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